this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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