Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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