I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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