So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
