I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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