Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
