You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
