That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
