yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
