Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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