life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
