they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
