I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
