I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
