they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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