theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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