ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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