If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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