just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
