Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
