just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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