Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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