I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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