i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
