My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
