Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
