I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
