Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
