I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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