just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
