I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
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