I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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