Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
