It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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