you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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