I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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