i wish there were pregnant emoticons
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
