There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize