I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
