Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
