it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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