call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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