Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
why do cheetos always look like penises
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
