Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize