I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
