He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize