**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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