Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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