i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
A bitchslap is in order.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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