im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
