I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
