I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Randomize