Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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