My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
