just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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