I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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