I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
