Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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